Title:
Yours, With Honour
Author:
Christinecgb
Web:
Http://Appelsini.tripod.com
Email:
luberluber@yahoo.com.au
Category:
VOY, slight J/T overtones
Rating:
PG - 13
Disclaimer:
Paramount probably won't recognize the
characters
in here so I'm not too worried.
Summary:
Liz introduced Dead Letters to S31 -
basically
you kill off a character and allow them to write
one
last letter - so I had to give it a go.
Here, B'Elanna
writes
to her Captainliness.
*
Captain
Janeway,
You'll
probably think I meant for it to happen and there
was a
time when that might have been true. I
know you
think
of me as troubled and unstable, and that's probably
how
you'll explain it to yourself because you never
understood
me.
You won't say that when you tell the crew, when
you
tell
Tom. You'll say I died heroically. You'll say I died
a
warrior because you care more about that Klingon shit
than I
do and you'll think it's the kind of thing a Captain
should
say.
You'll
cry when you give my eulogy. You'll struggle
and
you'll be unable to continue and Chakotay will come
to your
rescue. You like him to do that every now and
then.
Later
you'll cry on his shoulder. Later he'll
hold you
and
think about how much he loves you. He does you
know.
But of
course, you know.
You'll
miss me. You haven't worked that out yet.
You'll
miss me when you think of a way to randomly
generate
the shield frequencies, or you work out how to
pinpoint
fluctuations in polaron emissions and there will
be no
one who finds it as exciting as I would have.
I
remember the first time I saw your face when you were
on the
verge of discovering something, solving a puzzle.
You're
eyes were wild. You words came out fast
and
frantic
and I reveled in the fact that I was the only one
who
understood you.
We had
that didn't we? We had other things in
common
as well
but that was ours alone. It was our
passion. Our
love
and, Kahless, it was better than sex, wasn't it?
Speaking
of sex, you did it with him didn't you?
Forget
it. It's not a question. I know you did.
When
was it? Or rather, when was the last time, because
I know
you did it more than once.
Let's
see, the first time must have been soon after the
Vidians
separated my Klingon half because that was the
first
time I realized he liked me. You
couldn't have that
could
you? You reeled him in.
How did
I know? I didn't. Not at the time. But
understanding
Tom is understanding Tom in retrospect
and
there's a lot that makes sense now that didn't then.
When we
started dating you stopped. Not because you
felt
you owed it to me or to him but because you'd found
yourself
a new toy. Admittedly she turned out to
be less
of a
challenge than you expected but she was fun while
she
lasted, right? A little naïve, a bit too trusting -
Kahless,
you had Chakotay for that kind of devotion.
You
hoped she would fight you just a little more than she
did.
But
she's just another puppy now isn't she? You lost
interest
in her the same way you lost interest in Chakotay
the
minute he professed his undying loyalty. Sure it was
a rush
at the time, but I know you get no thrill from
winning. You hate losing too. It's the competition
you
love.
You
know Seven has something of a crush on Chakotay?
You
probably do. You probably arranged it,
subtly of
course,
so they'd think it was their doing.
You'll
get a kick out of knowing they'll think about you
when
they're together. You'll take a secret delight with
the
knowledge that they'll never get past you. No matter
how
intense their bond, it will never be enough to hide
the
memory of you.
Maybe
you'll go to Tom now. It wouldn't surprise me.
You'll
show up outside his quarters, to see if he's all
right. To see if he needs you, needs someone.
You'll let
him
lean his head on your shoulder and cry into your
neck
and you'll tell him how much you loved me.
And if
the time is right you'll let him take you to bed and
you'll
tell him I'd understand. And it's strange because I
do.
You'll
miss me. When you're bored with him again,
when
you realize you never understood me and when
Seven
and Chakotay come to you because they can't be
together
without your spectre haunting them.
You'll
miss me because you'll think maybe I was the
challenge
you were looking for but you told yourself I
was
unstable and you never tried.
The
truth is, you don't like losing. And
you don't lose if
you
don't try.
Yours,
with Honour
Lieutenant
B'Elanna Torres