Category: CJ/Toby
Rating: NC - 17 For strong language. DO NOT READ THIS if you are offended by
the "F" word, but most of all, don't write to me and complain about he use
of said "F" word if you do. I warned you.
Disclaimer: What is ownership? Does anyone really own anything? What's it
all about anyway...?
Summary: His voice in her head. His argument, her response, her argument his
response.
Acknowledgements: At the end.
*
[Fuck him]
"We don't have a position on this."
"We don't have a position on the activities of the International Monetary
Fund?"
"We don't have a position on this."
Silence. A meaningful look. A Whispered comments from Josh to Sam on her
right. Toby doesn't look away when she glares at him.
Leo's office and they're all there.
"The IMF is stimulating economic growth in Indonesia by aiding the timber
industry. Environmental Groups are saying this is systematically destroying
the Indonesian Rainforest to the extent that in ten years time the situation
will be critical. Are you trying to tell me that as the highest quota paying
member of the IMF we have no comment?"
"We're done." He is speaking to Leo but his hand is at her back.
"Toby!"
A gentle push. She opens her mouth but says nothing. She goes, he stays. Her
cheeks burn.
[Fuck him because she works for him. Fuck him because he only reminds her
when he has to.]
Her office. Low light. Carol is talking.
"Can I get you anything? Coffee? Aspirin?"
"Go home."
"CJ..."
"Go home."
11 pm. Empty offices and empty halls. He exits Leo's office as she is
leaving.
[Fuck him for his words. Fuck him for his silences. Fuck him for the touches
that mean everything.]
Slam door. Keys thrown onto the coffee table, hitting the blue mug with the
mould forming on weeks-old coffee residue. Mess that's been there since the
inauguration.
Water from a bottle, no glass.
Magazines on the sofa, sweeps them onto the floor. She sits, leans on her
hand.
"You can stop buying paper, but then you put them all out of jobs."
"Then we need alternative industries."
His voice in her head. His argument, her response, her argument his
response.
Feet on the floor. She needs to shower.
[Fuck him for pretending not to notice when she talks about things she
doesn't know enough about. Fuck him because he knows better. Fuck him
because he doesn't say so.]
Turns the faucets on and sits under the shower without soaping, without
moving, for what seems like hours. Forget the day, forget Toby, forget the
President if she really can forget the President, if she really can forget
Toby. Thinks about her mother (she never calls enough) and her brother (she
never sees him) and the way she can't remember to do things like change the
address on her health insurance policy.
Shampoos her hair because a Press Secretary with limp hair is a sign that
the administration is crumbling or so she tells herself. Don't be seen
without, make-up, without pantyhose, without a jacket. She's broken those
rules already.
Towel dry. Blow dry. Mouth dry and raw from being on the phone all day
saying the same thing over and over. "The President is confident in the
support of the Democratic Party, the President is confident in the support
of the American people, the President is confident in the support of the
White House staff..."
[Fuck him because he looks at her when he isn't saying anything and fuck
him, when he expects her to know what it means.]
Coffee, bread, cheese, and a glass of wine, all at once. A second glass of
wine, CNN, a third, a bottle. 1 am and she flicks through the channels for
a sitcom, a romantic comedy, an 80s cop show - MacRuder and Loud, Starsky
and Hutch, Hardcastle and McCormick, Cagney and Lacey, so and so and so and
so.
Feet on the couch, socks with holes. Rough edges are signs of wear and tear
and evidence that the world is coming apart at the seams.
[Fuck him because he can't meet her eyes after he comes out of Leo's office.
Fuck him because he still tells Andi there is nothing going on between them]
Doorbell. Inertia. She thinks she should pretend she's asleep, but knows he
would never believe it.
Him inside her apartment, in places where he shouldn't be, inside her head
when she's trying to sleep and in her office when she's trying to think.
Saying, "You left early."
"It was nearly midnight."
"You couldn't have come by my office on the way out?"
"I really couldn't."
Arms folded across her body. Defensive, protective, provocative.
"Something you want to tell me?"
Whole forests are disappearing from the Earth, waiting for someone to notice
they are gone.
"You argue with Sam."
"Is that bothering you?"
"And Josh."
"Yes."
"To their face. You disagree with them in the oval office."
"Yes."
"And Mandy. It's not because I'm a woman..."
A sideways look. Hair in her eyes. Realisation on his face.
"It's the moral high ground."
"Excuse me?"
"It's an argument of convenience. We favour the preservation of the
rainforest because it's not our children starving."
"There has to be another way."
"But until there is..."
"We don't have a position on this."
[Fuck him because he underestimates her. Fuck him because he protects her.]
"You rescued me."
"I didn't want to embarrass you."
"But you did anyway."
Arms still folded. He's in the kitchen pouring ice into a glass. She has
twelve-year-old scotch in a cabinet and it's just for him although it is
never said.
[Fuck him because he fucks her - usually in the early hours of the morning
when he's drunk, they're drunk and tired and too weak to fight. Fuck him
because she wants him to.]
Sex on the couch, later. Sex with clothes on, with little reverence for the
act, because they are tired and frustrated and there are things they can not
change.
Sex in bed in the morning, when the sheets are twisted around their legs and
the pillows are on the floor and she's saying, "God, Toby, God..." over and
over.
Sex, and an apology in the morning. An apology when he's fixing his tie in
the bathroom mirror. He says, "I worry about you."
[Fuck him because he loves her, loves her enough to lie for her, lie to her,
and fuck him because he does for all the wrong reasons. Fuck him because he
cares. Fuck him because he hired her. Fuck him because he believes in her,
but most of all, fuck him because he makes her feel like this.]
fin
*
Acknowledgements: Love and thanks to August - and Pene for inspiration. Most
of it is owed to AH - Fuck him.
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