Title:
Thinly Veiled
Author:
ChristineCGB
Rating:
L for 'ludicrous'
Category:
VOY, Lower Decks, parody
Disclaimer:
Apologies to Paramount, Mutant Enemy (Grr,
Argh)
and Mr Aaron Sorkin, not to mention the
hilarious
Ms Jemima P.
Summary:
Buffy and West Wing crossover (sorta). It all
goes
down hill from here.
When I
first started writing fanfic I promised myself
I would
never write a Mary Sue, and never write a
crossover.
Already done both - but I think it all went
pear
shaped when I decided to do both at the same
time
Big
smiley faces to Ensign Jemima "Perry" Pereira and
Ensign
Elizabeth "Barlow" Barr.
For Liz
- it's her fault. It's ALL her fault.
*
Ensign
Barlow was on a role.
"...and
then we leave them there for a few day and take
bets on
whole long they can keep their hands off each
other."
"Need
I remind you," Nicolletti interrupted, "that the
Captain
and the Commander spent three months
cohabiting,
alone on a deserted Planet without
indulging
any urges. What makes you think a few days
with
Seven of Nine will change him?"
Ensign
Barlow grinned wickedly.
"Two
things, the left..."
"OK,
I think there's been enough talk about that
subject
here," Ensign Gilchrist was getting
increasingly
agitated with the direction of the
conversation,
"besides, many of the crew believe that
something
did happen between the Commander and the
Captain
on that planet, but back on Voyager they were
forced
to return to their professional relationship
because
of their responsibilities to the crew."
Gilchrist
sighed, "isn't it romantic how he pines for
her?"
Ensigns
Wildman and Celes nodded. They were romantics
at
heart.
"You
know," Ensign Perry interjected, "I think there's
some
Native American tribal law concerning
cohabitation
and marriage?"
"What's
she talking about?" Barlow whispered aside to
Gilchrist
who shrugged.
"Whatever
it is it sounds complicated. Best leave her
to
it."
Ensign
Perry exited the group thinking out loud.
"And
has any one ever questioned why it is that Seven
gets to
do whatever she wants around here? Who really
is in
charge of this ship?"
Everyone
looked at each other blankly.
"Of
course, you all know this is not why we're here,"
Lieutenant
Carey spoke up. As the senior ranking
officer
of the group he felt compelled to restore
order.
Besides, he hated the way everyone pretended he
wasn't
there as if he had miraculously disappeared off
the
ship years ago.
"Right,"
said Wildman. She knew how Joe felt about he
other
officers ignoring him. She often felt the same
way. Especially now that everyone paid more
attention
to
Naomi - and even Naomi spent more time with Seven
and
Neelix than she did with her own mother.
"And
that is?" Gilchrist asked.
"We
have to find someone for Neelix," Carey said.
Everyone
groaned except Barlow.
"I
always thought he fancied the Captain, " she said,
"and
with Chakotay lusting after Seven..."
"Oh
shut up," grumbled Gilchrist, "you're doing this
on
purpose aren't you?"
"Yeah.
Shut up," said Nicolletti quietly hoping no one
would
notice.
"You
just refuse to acknowledge what is plain in front
of your
face. It will be a cold day in hell before the
Captain
and the Commander do anything more than look
meaningfully
at each other before sending us careering
into
the next event horizon."
"Hell?"
Ensign Summers said, suddenly alert, "Where?
How?
Someone check those books. We need to
know how
to stop
it and we need to know now."
Everyone
ignored her. They were used to Summers
rambling,
although they couldn't work out why she
suddenly
started talking about her sister at home when
everyone
knew she was an only child. The journey
was
taking
its toll on everyone.
"They
love each other!" Gilchrist said emphatically,
"they
were meant to be together!"
"If
we depend on the Captain and the Commander for
romantic
entertainment it's going to be a very long
and
boring ride home," Barlow sighed, "can't you at
least
imagine them coming together because of their
mutual
infatuation for the Captain?"
Gilchrist
thought for a while.
"It
has potential, but it's still icky."
Barlow
threw up her hands.
"I'm
bored with this crew. I'm going to see what
Ensign
Summers is doing," and with that she left the
rest of
the junior crew to arrange Neelix's fate.
"Do
you have any ideas Gilchrist?" Carey asked.
"Uh...no,"
Gilchrist seemed distracted, "hmmm...Neelix
and
Seven would look cute... Anyway, I'm bored with this
conversation.
We never get anywhere and the only ones
on
board getting laid are Torres and Paris.
I'm going
to see
what Ensigns Cregg and Lyman are doing in the
PR
department."
"Voyager
has a PR department?" Carey asked.
"Don't
you think we need one?" Gilchrist responded.
*
When
Ensign Gilchrist arrived at the lower decks press
gallery
the briefing was in full session.
"Ensign
Cregg!"
"Ensign
Cregg, Is Captain Janeway aware that she has
violated
the Prime Directive upwards of ten times".
"Captain
Janeway is aware of prime directive
violations
in her administration. She is very
concerned
about these violations and is doing
everything
in her power to see that issues concerning
prime
directive violations are met with serious
discussion,
debate and sovereign class starship loads
of
sexual tension. Next?"
"Is
it true that the Captain slept with a
representative
of a fascist regime and mass murderer?"
"In
the Federation we prefer the term 'democratically
challenged'
to 'fascist' and 'indiscriminate life
reliever'
to 'mass murderer'. Captain Janeway has
made a
statement on that matter - I quote 'I did not
have
sexual relations with that alien.' Next?"
"Ensign
Cregg, How does the Captain justify the blow
out in
the budget expenditure on standard issue
shuttles
since beginning term?"
"The
Captain has commented on more than one occasion
that
the time for shuttle finance reform is long
overdue.
In the next budget the Captain will propose
shuttle
expenditure increases of 900% which this
administration
feels is a justifiable figure for ships
on long
missions in far reaching corners of the
galaxy,
and with a serious epidemic of short term
memory
loss plaguing their entire writing staff. That
will be
all. Thank you."
Gilchrist
watched as Ensign Lyman congratulated Ensign
Cregg
on her performance during the briefing.
"You
did great out there," he said.
"Are
you kidding me? This administration is
impossible.
First of all they ally themselves with the
Borg,
who, I might point out, are not known for their
human
rights record, and by doing so offend Species
8472,
who are also not known for their human rights
records
but are a heck of a lot more powerful. Then
the
Senior staff are filmed attending a highly
controversial
sporting event, the Commander was
seduced
and framed on not one but two occasions, the
Operations
Officer has been caught in compromising
positions
with a whole host of women across the
quadrant,
they keep a pet in the mess hall, and for
recreation
they like to make fun of the Irish. I
quit!"
She
stormed out leaving Ensign Lyman to scratch his
head in
wonder.
Ensign
Gilchrist sighed and went to find Ensign's
Barlow
and Summers. Summers was OK. Sure, she talked
about
vampires and zombies and demons more than was
acceptably
healthy for a starship officer, but she'd
started
threatening Seven with a pointy stick lately
and
Gilchrist enjoyed that.
Besides,
she had cute friends.
End