The Nature of the Fall

By Christine

Standard Disclaimers apply.

Rated NC - 17

"What was real?" he asks.

And its strange because Kashyk asked the same thing less than 24 hours ago.

The Devore were just about to transport back to their ship. He had turned to me with a half smile. Confident enough to flirt, still, he had asked,

"So what was real?"

"All of it" I shrugged and looked away "and none of it".

He folded his arms in front of him, still smiling.

"Still playing the game, Captain?" he asked.

"Maybe I just haven't made up my mind" I replied.

And then he was gone. I still think he let me go. The whole ruse of saving face, it wasn't his style. He'd have paraded us as trophies of the war the Devore were waging with the outside universe. The telepaths were gone, true, but we were still around. And the Devore didn't like us. Except Kashyk. And Kashyk, well, there was something of the deviant in Kashyk. I couldn't help thinking there were one or two telepaths who might have gained their freedom from Kashyk in the same way I had.

I slept fitfully once they had left. I half expected them to return. I half expected Kashyk to return. If I admitted it to myself I would say I hoped he'd return. Whether it was because I wanted him too or because there was a part of my ego that needed that kind of reassurance I have yet to decide.

When I entered the mess hall the next day I probably looked like I felt. Tired and more than a little preoccupied. I had sat down opposite Chakotay after fetching my coffee and Neelix's latest breakfast concoction from the galley. He had finished whatever it was he'd eaten and was sipping on something steaming. It smelt herbal.

He barely nodded when I sat down but it didn't occur to me that there might be anything bothering him. In truth I was so damn caught up in the events of the past days I was, from the outset, unlikely to notice.

We did this often. Had breakfast together, made small talk whilst we dwelt on our private matters, separated without remembering a word the other had said. He once commented that I didn't retain a thing I learnt before my morning coffee so I assumed he understood that it just wasn't the time.

I decided to break the silence. It was the Devore that came to mind first.

"I'm glad they're gone" I said.

He looked up, nodded, and went back to his beverage.

I waded through my food.

"I think Neelix has outdone himself this time" I commented wryly. He didn't answer. Just sipped on his cup quietly. The situation was unnerving but I put it down to the Devore. I would surprised if the entire crew wasn't a little edgy today

And then he said it.

"What was real?"

"What do you mean?" I asked. He was so damn serious at times. So direct. He would have made a good Captain if he'd stayed in Starfleet.

"You. Kashyk. That game you just played. Was any of it real?"

I looked around the mess hall. Shifts were starting and finishing. Tom and B'Ellana entered, about to swap shifts. If I'd been a bit more considerate I would have advised Chakotay to put them on the same shift. Starfleet encourages that sort of thing, keeping the crew happy. It's just so different out here. Everything is different out here.

My attention returns to Chakotay and I think about just how much I don't want to have this conversation now. Not when I don't have answers for him, and not when I'm too tired to work out just what it is he's asking.

Too hard, too hard, I think.

I don't think that question is appropriate, Commander" I say.

His mouth forms a thin line across his face, as though he has to prevent himself from saying what it is that has obviously come to mind. He places his cup on the table and rises.

"See you on the bridge" he says, and he leaves. Just like that.

I leave after him, bringing my second cup of coffee with me. In the corridor Tom Paris joins me.

"Good morning Ensign" I say.

"'Morning Captain" he nods.

We approach the turbo lift in silence. It would appear I am not the only person who's preoccupied. Tom bites his lip, shakes his head and shrugs. He looks down at his feet for a moment and then folds his arms.

"Something up, Tom?" I ask.

He looks at me as though he is surprised I have noticed, then nods.

"Women" he says with mock seriousness and he rolls his eyes for emphasis. I smile.

"All of them Mr Paris?" I reply in the same tone.

"No Captain. Just the half-human half-Klingon ones involved with me"

"That narrows it down" I laugh.

We step into the lift and I request the Bridge.

"Relationships are complicated Mr Paris" I say.

"That they are, Captain" he replies.

We step onto the bridge. Tuvok has been commanding the night shift and he nods at my arrival.

"Anything to report?" I ask him as he hands me a padd.

"Negative Captain. We are 2.1 light years from Devore space and there are no signs of pursuit from the Devore authorities".

I take the padd into my ready room. There are commendations to be entered into the record for the engineering and science crews who worked so hard to keep the telepaths from Kashyk and his company. A commendation for the Commander for supporting my decision to hand Voyager over to the Devore authorities rather than the telepaths., and, if I could, I'd give myself one for playing my part so well I too was convinced.

Chakotay may have good reason to be angry. Angry because I can prostitute myself so readily for a cause and angry because I looked like I enjoyed it. Whether he is angry out of concern or jealousy remains to be seen. I have a sinking feeling it is the latter.

And if he thinks I wanted something from Kashyk that I didn't want from him, he's right. I wanted Kashyk to fuck me. I thought he would. I thought we'd both take it that far if we had to and I thought that we might even do so if we didn't.

I dreamed about it, and I woke up rubbing myself so damn hard that I ached the next day. I imagined him pushing me against the walls of the ready room, hands grasping a bits of clothing as he breathed heavily into my neck, clumsily dragging my uniform to below my knees, and grasping my breast beneath my Starfleet issue underwear.

I used to fantasise about Mark in the early days, and then it was that damn hologram in that governess holonovel.

And then we were stuck on that planet for months. I fantasised about Mark even harder because I don't know what might have happened if I hadn't.

But lately there were times when I thought it was all behind me. Sex . Lust. Infatuation. I reasoned that at my age it might just be biological that I would lose some interest in sex. I watched Tom and B'Ellana, Harry chasing Seven and then one of the Delaneys, and I felt no pangs of regret, no nostalgia for the times of raging hormones and conflicting emotions.

And then there was Kashyk and the thrill of winning him over. The excitement, the possibilites - I felt charged. I felt alive. And then it was gone.

And Chakotay wanted to know what was real. It was all very real. Too real to explain when I suspect he would not understand. There's nothing quite so real as lust and desire. There's nothing quite so honest. I could lust after the Commander if I thought that was what he wanted. If I let myself. It's just not quite that simple.

The ready room is bland when I think about it. But then it was never intended to house me for five years. I contemplate what sort of explanation I will give the Commander and why indeed I feel obligated to give him one at all.

The day passes otherwise peacefully. In the wake of the Devore visit maintenance crews were busy checking systems for feedback or crossed signals due to the prolonged use of the transporter pattern buffers. No one needed to be told they weren't designed for such extensive use.

And there was a great deal more maintenance needed on the personal front. Voyager's vulnerability in this incident had the potential to cause insecurity and anxiety amongst the crew, the outcome of which could be divisive. I made a note to speak at length to Neelix on the matter. Crew morale should be a priority.

We were perennially on damage control, inside and out. And some of us took more damage than others.

My opportunity to speak to the Commander came late in the afternoon when he delivered the astrometrics report. Finding a friendly planet for some crew R&R was appealing and I enquired into the possibility.

"Not for a couple of weeks, Captain" he answered flatly. I had the impression he was sulking and I resented it.

Nether the less, there was no time like the present.

"Commander" I began "I have something I would like to discuss with you and I want you to know that I am doing so out of respect for our friendship and not because I believe that I owe you, or anyone else for that matter, an explanation for my actions".

He said nothing at first. I thought he might be about to turn around and walk out again as he had done in the mess hall but the stood in official "at ease" posture with his chin stuck out in defiance.

"Very well, Captain" he said.

I walked out from behind the desk and faced him so that we were on equal levels, my height withstanding.

"You know our situation here, Chakotay. You know that not everything we do will or even can be subject to the guidelines placed on us by Federation protocol".

"You know I'm not the Federation's greatest advocate, Captain" he said. If he were Vulcan he'd have one eyebrow raised questioningly at me.

"No, of course not" I muttered. I was vaguely amused at the ridiculousness of the situation. I was about to explain my sexual disposition to my XO. For all the logs, histories and records maintained by Starfleet I was yet to read about an incident remotely similar.

I decided to alter my approach.

"Don't you ever get lonely, Commander?"

He looked puzzled.

"Here? On Voyager?" he asked.

"Yes" I answered emphatically. "don't you think there are certain needs that can't be met, certain urges that can't be indulged amongst the crew no matter how close you might feel to them?"

The last words hung heavy in the air like moisture in a tropical forest. Without needing to say it, he understood that there were certain things I felt I could not get from him.

The most significant conversations of my life were undertaken in a similar manner. When I told Mark I was to be Captaining a starship rather than staying at a nice stable starbase somewhere, when I told my father I was getting married to Justin, when I told Tuvok I wanted to make the Maquis Captain my First Officer, they all seemed to feature me pacing from one end of the room to the other and gesticulating unnecessarily. As if I could lead their attention from what I was saying and make them focus on my dancing hands. There was however something in the motions that helped me form words. I argued and reasoned more soundly when allowed to move.

"I don't think I should have to tell you Commander that the opportunity for intimate situations for a Captain in charge of a starship are limited even in the Alpha Quadrant. Out here, we don't settle anywhere for a long period of time. We don't really get to know anyone."

I paused to gauge his reaction so far. He was expressionless.

"And you know it would be impossible to be involved with any of the crew" I finished.

Again he didn't respond. He opened his mouth and closed it again. It was excruciatingly irritating. I was going nowhere with my speech as he was well aware.

"Commander do you have anything to say" I asked.

"Not at all, Captain"

"Nothing?"

He shifted his weight and changed his stance slightly.

"Kathryn if you're after absolution for seducing the enemy, I'm quite happy to give it. You saved the lives of the telepaths and no doubt you in turn saved ours as well." he said "You're a good Captain. You do what is necessary"

"But?" I asked, sensing there was more.

"If you want me to absolve you personally, I won't"

It was all he said and he said it so quietly I could almost convince myself he hadn't meant for me to hear. I sighed and leaned against the desk.

"I didn't think you would" I said.

We stood there like the fools we were. Hapless in love, hapless in lust. Pathetic.

"Commander - Chakotay, I'm sorry" I said. Sorry about Kashyk and as Chakotay knew I was sorry I just couldn't meet him in that place he held for us.

He shook his head. "No Captain, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I feel this way" and with that he turned to leave. I reached for his arm and turned him back towards me.

"Commander....." For a moment I felt the need to reach out to him. To tell him that I needed to know he felt that way. That I needed to think that it could happen. One day. Because I didn't want to imagine that there could be a time when were distant memories to each other.

I dropped my hand to my side. As quickly as it had come the moment was over.

"You wanted to know what was real" I said instead, and he waited. "It's not real, Chakotay. Nothing is."

He nodded and was gone, and I was left to contemplate my own sorry ineptitude.

That night I went to sleep early. Tired and irritated I forewent my usual cup of coffee for a mug of warm milk. It was either terribly effective or I was unusually exhausted because the engineering report lay on the bed the next morning where it had fallen from my hand.

That night I dream that he came to me whilst I was in bed. He pulled back the covers and ran a hand up my thigh and beneath my nightgown. He uncovered my breasts and hungrily fed on my nipples whilst he let his fingers wander inside me. I dreamed he was beautiful in his nakedness and when we made love I kissed the mark on his forehead.

When I woke I placed my hand between my thighs and brought myself to orgasm with the image from my dream still vivid in my mind. When I had regained my breath I lay awake with my eyes open staring at the heavy darkness. It felt very real.

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