Title: Divergence
Author: Lin
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Paramount has screwed Kathryn Janeway and Chakotay up more than I ever could, congratulations.
Summary: "I remember how I kissed her once and she ran away, and then never touched my chest again."
Author's Notes: This is a prequel to "Done" by Christine. I was audacious enough to ask if I could write this about ten minutes after I got the beta copy of the other fic, and I'm incredibly grateful to Christine for her resounding YES! You can read this without reading Christine's (although you'd be missing out if you did), and you can read Christine's without reading this.
Dedication: I would write less and worse without you, Christine. Thank you.
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I didn't plan for it to happen this way.
But one night her fingers grazed my chest and I allowed myself to think there was something there.
She knew what she was doing, I'm sure of it. She wanted resolution as much as I did.
That was our undoing.
Dinner in her quarters was not a new thing. Nor was the bottle of wine that accompanied it. But we were not drunk. It wasn't an intoxicated fumble in a darkened room. And it wasn't all my fault.
There was a nebula in the area of space we were travelling through; another thing that was totally ordinary; and we could see it through the view port as we ate at the table in her living room. The strands of almost transparent gaseous rainbows intertwined to form a cloud of blue and pink and purple that shone through the view port and illuminated her face with a vibrancy that I hadn't seen for a long time.
And I wanted to kiss her.
But that was another thing that wasn't new. I had to think back a long way to recall a time when I hadn't wanted to kiss her. And that was one more of the threads of ordinary that tangled into the knot of discomfort nestled in my abdomen.
She drained her coffee cup and stood. I remember thinking she was going to clear the table, but instead she walked slowly to the couch facing the view port, turning to offer me a tentative smile before sitting.
"Have a seat Chakotay," she offered.
I sat beside her because it was foreign to do anything else. Because sitting to her left was familiar. And because I still had hope.
We watched the nebula for two minutes or hours and we didn't say a word. I thought we didn't need to speak, but now I think perhaps we didn't want to speak lest we realise we really had nothing to say.
We had never begun, and yet I knew we were ending.
So I kissed her.
She reached out her hand, the back of her knuckles gently grazed my chest and I took as a sign. A sign that we still had time to start; or a sign that I needed to bring about the end. Both could be accomplished by the same means.
So I kissed her.
Her lips parted gently beneath mine for a mere second before she tensed. She brought up both of her hands to push me back and I moved easily away. She stood and looked at me, staring directly into my eyes, then she turned and walked into her bedroom.
I knew I was supposed to be gone when she emerged, and I complied. I walked back to my quarters, drank a glass of water, took a sonic shower and went to bed.
I was conscious of the fact that my life had not changed. I had lost nothing, I had gained nothing, and I would just continue to be.
But she wouldn't touch my chest anymore. We would still eat dinner together, but we wouldn't move to the couch afterwards. We would still attend ship's functions together, but she wouldn't take my arm. I would still love her, but I wouldn't be in love.
I knew things had to be resolved and I knew it had to be soon. I knew I couldn't hold on to the hope forever, that it would pale and fade until......
But I didn't plan for it to happen this way.
Fini.